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JJ's Bizarre Blog #61 - Precious Gems Collection Vol.3 - Scary Monsters and Nuclear Ninja Clowns
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JJ's Bizarre Blog #61 - Precious Gems Collection Vol.3 - Scary Monsters and Nuclear Ninja Clowns
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Greetings and salutations! September has rolled around and the Bizarre One is back at it again. It would seem that the time is right for another edition of the Precious Gems Collection series! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve done one of these and I’ve got quite the unique selection for you this time round! No matter how many years go by, I keep discovering new and new music that surprises me in all kinds of ways and I realize just how many obscure artists are out there that deserve a lot more attention and praise for the unique music they bring to the world. So without further ado, let’s dive in!
The first band I’d like to highlight are quite well known in the metal sphere – the Finnish folk metal legends Turisas! I’ve mentioned them many times already and would happily do a full blog on them, but alas 4 albums are just not enough. These guys have easily cemented themselves among the true deities of folk metal, and how could they not? Their self-titled “battle metal” sound is incredibly epic, vast and engrossing. With a mix of grand symphonic elements and authentic folk instrumentation, juxtaposed by some banging riffs and the glorious mix of fierce growls and beautiful baritone melodies by Warlord Mathias Nygård, they are one of the most pumping and engaging bands in the genre, equally adept at getting a party started and immersing you in an era long past. Standouts are definitely their second album The Varangian Way, detailing the path of the Varangian Norsemen as they sailed all the way down to Constantinople and established relations with the Byzantine Empire, and their third album Stand Up and Fight, featuring tales from both history and mythology juxtaposed with incredibly grand songs recorded with a full symphony orchestra. Every album is a certified banger though. There’s nothing quite like Turisas in all of metal and it’s such a shame that they haven’t released anything in over a dozen years now. Here’s to hoping we can don the red and black facepaint again and quest on with the Varangian guard once more!
Continuing with the folk metal wave, I have to mention Scottish one man powerhouse Saor. A dark and atmospheric black metal project that blends traditional Scottish folk instrumentation, this band is like no other! His music can create this incredibly vivid atmosphere of the highlands – dark, cold and brooding, but also vast, uplifting and beautiful. It has that classic enveloping wall of sound typical of black metal, but it also has a lot of enchanting melodies that are full of magic and wonder. To top it off, the lyrics are these incredibly emotional tales, retelling stories from both the history and mythology of his homeland. I don’t need a DNA test to know that I’m 0% Scottish, but when the Saor’s soaring bagpipes hit, I become ten billion percent Scottish!
Switching gears, let’s get heavy! One of the most unique phenomenons in metal is the brief but bright career of German technicians Necrophagist! This band came out of nowhere and dropped some of the greatest technical death metal ever made. They have all the heaviness and unfiltered brutality the genre is known for, but they also feature some of the most insanely advanced and technically sophisticated musicianship ever heard. They put any virtuosos from the classical or jazz schools to shame. The songs are visceral and aggressive while still featuring a lot of infectious melody, they are insanely complex yet still incredibly catchy. And despite all of this mastery, the band dropped only two albums before promptly dipping out of existence all the way back in 2004. Since then, many bands (including ones featuring former members) have been inspired by them and have carried on that mantle, but to this day, they remain at the zenith of technical death metal and nothing else compares!
In a similar vein, we have to mention the otherworldly outputs of fellow tech death masters Nocturnus! Formed in the birthplace of death metal – Tampa, Florida – these lads decided to forgo the traditional horror themes of the genre and instead go for tales of the occult and epic science fiction world about aliens and the cosmos. Their musicianship reflected this too with very chaotic and technically advanced riffage and song structures, incorporating a variety of keyboards and samples to really give it that distinctly alien sound. And they were doing all this all the way back in 1990! It’s crazy to think how early in the history of death metal these guys appeared and yet they were already boldly evolving it in both sound and subject matter. Unfortunately, they only lasted for three albums before disbanding. To this day, there really isn’t any better space death metal than them!
However, there’s a silver lining to this classified tale! Almost all former members have reformed under the name Nocturnus AD and in the last few years have released two new records in very much the same style as before, so it seems this space missing will continue! The truth is still out there!
Right, after all that heaviness, let’s chill for a bit. For a complete tonal whiplash, let’s let loose and party, a Ninja Sex Party! Indeed in the last one of these collections I dipped my toes into YouTuber music for the first time and this is another one of those! I also did the comedy blog earlier in the year, but NSP definitely deserve a spot all to themselves! This dynamic duo are among the premier internet music acts and have been creating comedic music for the world wide web to enjoy longer than most. With upbeat disco-pop tunes and absolutely ridiculous lyrics, all usually set to the backdrop of even more ridiculous videos. With ninjas and unicorns and stuff! Their songs are unironically catchy and insanely fun. They will consistently make you laugh but also make you wanna get up and dance! The rise of the internet would’ve been the same without them and nobody does like they do!
If you’d like to see them in a less absurd light, do check out their series of cover albums called Under the Covers! Playing their own renditions of popular tracks across a wide range of genres, this is where the duo really showcase their amazing musical capabilities and fronthero Danny’s voice in particular shines particularly well, showing not just his incredible melodic delivery, but his insane versatility in adapting to all kinds of different sounds!
While we’re on the topic of ridiculousness, recent times have proven that music can be incredibly sophisticated and advanced, while also being a complete joke. For proof of this, look no further than the enigmatic musical mayhem of Nuclear Power Trio. Three (and sometimes more) anonymous musicians, all dressed and masked up to look like famous world leaders, performing mindbending instrumental tracks with hilarious titles parodying current events and popular songs in the same breath. Their sound is a chaotic mix of progressive rock, jazz, electronic and more that can never be contained in one genre category and each instrument is played at the absolute peak of possible complexity and technique. Those bass lines and guitar solos in particular are so delicious, they shake the world almost as much as the news coming from the people these guys dress as. Regardless, the songs are not just wild shredfests to flex their skills but are really catchy and engaging. Using memes to bring sophisticated music to the masses, there really is nothing like these guys out there!
But if NPT are too….sane for you, well we can go further. For the bold enough, there is the other anonymous internet band that shatters the ceilings of musical skill – Clown Core. While some blend genres in elegant and graceful fashion, these guys shove grindcore, free jazz, prog, synth and circus music into a blender, put in on max power until it blows up and then serve the resulting concoction. An internet meme band through and through, their song titles, clown costumes and imagery are downright preposterous, and yet there is so much more than shock value here. Many of their lyrics hold hidden meaning, but it’s the music where they shine. These two regularly flex their abilities to play some of the most complex, unusual, experimental and mindbending things imaginable and mix stylistics in an open songwriting style that nobody can replicate. They can go from braincrushing chaos to soothing melody in the blink of an eye and their albums are like a whirlwind of tones and emotions. It’s like, you’re listening to a couple of seconds of layered noise on a variety of instruments, you hear a synth melody that sounds like a Casio falling down the stairs and the suddenly you hear a facemelting drum riff in a time signature never used in recorded history followed by the most beautiful saxophone solo you’ve ever heard. This is how you get this weird situation where if you open their YouTube comments, some are enjoying them at face value, laughing at the two silly clowns and their ridiculous song titles, but at the same time you get the seasoned musicians with their jaws on the floor, gushing about how difficult what their playing is and how impressed they are. I don’t think any other band has achieved this. Their music really isn’t for everyone, but for those bold and crazy enough, there’s really nothing else like it. It’s fitting that their name sounds like a genre, because you can really only describe them as or compare them to themselves. Clown Core!
Right, now that we have our brainwaves tuned to the right frequency, the rest of this blog will be dedicated to a strange subset of bands I’ve come across that I want to highlight. This is “bands worshiping giant versions of weird animals”. Sounds outlandish, I know, but you’ll see what I mean. First on the list is the band that kind of kickstarted this idea for me – the Irish riff lords Ten Ton Slug. You may already see where this is going. All of these guys’ lyrics and imagery centers around giant slug creatures and esoteric themes relating to mythology and the occult deriving from that. It’s really unique and engaging. Despite the odd appearance, musically these lads are super approachable and fun! They play a slow and groovy sludge metal style, full of awesome riffage and soaring solos worthy of any Acid Bath album. They have been working for years to refine this riff heavy style and it all came together in their first album Colossal Oppressor in 2024. Each song follows their recognizable style yet remains memorable and stands out from the rest. Not to mention how catchy they are. Worship the Ooze, for it bears gifts!
Much the same can be said of King Kraken from Cardiff, Wales. They however, as you might have guessed, sing the praises of the mighty Kraken, terror of the seas! Excellent riffage, epic solos and a terrific rock ‘n’ spirit, that and much more await, along with vast lyricism about the great sea lord and various other mythical topics. Fun and educational! Plus they have a much larger catalogue than the rest in here, so this tale has multiple chapters and each is more engaging than the last!
To complete the trifecta of groove/sludge bands from the isles, try the crazy party animals Robot Death Monkey! These wild men from Edinburgh, Scotland don’t exactly fit the theme, but they worship giant things of a different variety so it works out. Their lyrics and imagery are much more comedic and ridiculous, fitting with other stuff in this blog. Sound wise, they also bring in some absolutely amazing riffage and tight catchy tunes that just instantly drill themselves in your head. Plus they have several instrumental tracks unlike the previous bands, so they just let the vibes and the riffs do all the talking. And the vibes are immaculate!
Let’s move out of the smoke and into the fire! For a different sound but with the same monster worship, we go to Bulgarian death metal machines Maltworm! They’re here to indoctrinate us all into the Kvlt of the titular Maltworm and they will do so with some absolutely pounding heavy riffs and a fine blend of speed and grooviness. Their songs also constantly shift between dark murky tunes of the great worm’s doing and silly party tunes about having a good time. So don’t worry, no Kool-Aid chugging necessary, just come in and have a blast! The Global Worming is underway and you need to be a part!
In a similar vein, we have another Bulgarian death metal band, namely the sizzling Scolos! They are here to tell us all about the giant centipede known as the Arthro-God! No funny business here, it’s all relentless darkness and macabre imagery, symbolizing the new age to come! It will be dense, esoteric and unyielding. But don’t worry, with some solid death metal instrumentation and mosh worthy heaviness, even in this dreary atmosphere the good times are guaranteed!
To put the cherry on top, it has become a tradition across these compilation blogs that I include some dungeon synth and even though I created the coveted dungeon synth blog earlier this year, that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna keep doing that! And to tie this into the giant creature worship, I want to dedicate this section to dino synth and it’s main culprit – Diplodocus! Taking the usual characteristics of dungeon synth like soaring keyboard melodies, dense atmosphere and sonic signature influenced by both black metal and video games, this wacky project ushered in dino synth by including samples of giant prehistoric creatures from old films and television and uses old timey effects and production to create a unique atmosphere, like truly walking through the jungles of Earth from millennia ago. A steady drum beat is also used across the board, feeling like the heavy steps of an approaching colossal dinosaur! It’s the hallmark of dungeon synth that it’s able to capture the vibe of any specific aesthetic or idea perfectly and Diplodocus does exactly that in this specific niche! These incredible pieces truly create the atmosphere of time immemorial, a prehistoric era where giant creatures ruled the Earth and I haven’t found anything else that can immerse you in such a world so well. It’s crazy to think that these massive beasts walked the same lands we walk today! Also, dinosaurs are really cool! That’s just a fact, just ask any kid.
Right, I think that’ll do it for now. I think this collection came out especially chaotic and wild, but that’s just the kind of thing I expect! It’s really interesting the kinds of music you can find when you step out of the mainstream and explore boldly in the fringes of the sonic realm. I myself am far from the most bold explorer, but I know my way around and my curiosity has led me to countless fascinating discoveries. From authentic and epic folk metal sagas to superlative death metal excellence. From dancing ninjas to virtuoso politicians and harsh jazz clowns. And a whole slew of varying bands singing the praises of giant slugs, krakens, dragons, worms, centipedes, dinosaurs and so much more! Having the courage to step out of your comfort zone and explore onward is a thoroughly enlightening and rewarding experience, in music and in life itself. So give it a go, you won’t regret it! And if you do, then keep going, you just haven’t found the right thing yet! I’d like to see what lies beyond and I hope you do too. So journey forth and explore! Let me know what you find along the way. Take care and see you again soon!